30 Weeks: Anxiety City

I thought the worrying was supposed to let up after the “dangerous” first trimester. No? Ok, but then definitely after a healthy 20-week ultrasound. Still no? Well, for sure after that first baby kick.

Right?

Nope.

If anything, I’m more anxious during the third trimester than anytime before. Why?

I have no idea.

If anyone wants to psychoanalyze that, take your best shot. It makes no sense to me. It’s the final stretch. Everything has been going smoothly up until this point. The chances of something bad happening are rare.

Yet. I worry. And worry.

And worry.

And I am exhausted from all of the worrying.

The cycle of “what if” thinking is unrelenting. I’m flying across the country this week. What if something happens during the flight? I haven’t felt Baby move all day. What if something’s wrong? I’m having tons of Braxton Hicks contractions. What if I’m in premature labor? Oh my gosh, I’m so worried about everything. What if that hurts the baby? And so on and so on and so on.

I’d love some wine. Or a Xanax. But alas, it’s not in the cards right now. I’m trying to fight the anxiety by going to therapy and acupuncture and doing things that relax me, like reading and watching bad TV. But none of that seems to be working lately.

I guess the only thing to do is to power through and attempt to beat back the anxiety monster with a stick. Stay back, you nasty little thing!

On a much lighter and more awesome note, I had my first of two baby showers this weekend! Tim’s mom, Eileen, threw a shindig for Tim’s side of the family on Sunday. It was wonderful to be around so many people who were so excited about the Little Fish’s arrival. Eileen even made Baby a beautiful quilt! She also periodically sent pictures of the party to my mom so she could feel like she was there. How thoughtful is that? She’s pretty much the bees-knees, that Eileen. Check out some pics below:

There’s A Monster At The End Of This Book was my favorite book when I was a wee one. Eileen gave Little Fish Tim’s copy of this book from when he was a kid. She’s been saving it all these years!

Me and Auntie Meg

Tim’s aunt and cousin made a beautiful baby scrapbook.

Each page of the scrapbook had a coordinating book that went with it. This was the “daddy” page.

The quilt! Baby’s going to love staring at all of those colors and patterns. Look at the happy expression on Eileen’s face!

And finally, here’s the requisite 30 week pic. Kind of hard to see that belly with all of the black.

Letter to My Little Lady: Your Dad Is Awesome

Dear Little Fish,

Every time your dad sees a baby his whole face lights up. Usually he starts laughing, too, like he can’t contain his joy at seeing a mini-person. When we first started dating, we were at this party together and I commented, in a mildly snotty tone, that there were “so many babies here.” Your dad looked me in the eye and said, “If you don’t like babies, we need to break up right now!” Well, ok then.

Your dad is very even-tempered. In the years that I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him yell. Not even once! Sometimes it’s hard to tell when he’s excited because he certainly does not wear his emotions on his sleeve. But whatever you do, don’t misinterpret his lack of outward emotion as a lack of enthusiasm for you. He’s over the moon about you and always will be. When in doubt, look for the twinkle in his eyes. It gives him away every time.

I love your dad so much it’s kind of ridiculous. I wonder all the time how I got lucky enough to snag him. And now I wonder the same thing about you. I’m not sure how I got so blessed, but let me tell you, I appreciate it.

Every single day.

Your dad and me about four years ago, way back when he had facial hair. I wish I still had those sweet shades.

29 Weeks & Alien Baby Pictures

How I’m Feeling:

I have to be honest, guys: this was not my finest week. The insomnia raged all week long and I barely slept at all. Plus, I think after seven straight months of insomnia, it’s finally starting to catch up with me. I can barely keep my eyes open past 1 p.m. and I’ve been crying a lot because it’s getting very hard to do normal tasks on no sleep. Pretty much, I’m really fun to be around. Just ask Tim.

If one more person says “just wait ’til the baby gets here” or “this is preparing you for the baby,” I’m busting out the drop kicks. Although people are well-meaning, I hate when they say crap like that because it invalidates what I’m feeling right now. If someone told me they have a stomachache, I would never say, “just wait for three more months until you’ll have an even worse stomach ache! Then you’ll see, mwahahaha!”

That said, if this insomnia prepares me for the baby, bring it on! Somehow I doubt that it will, though. I’m sure I’ll be just as tired and crazed as the rest of the new moms out there.

Other symptoms: Braxton Hicks contractions, carpal tunnel, round ligament pain, back pain and a general feeling of swolleness.  So yeah. Whine, wine, whine. When I went to acupuncture yesterday, I told her that I felt like an old lady, listing off all of my many complaints. She just smiled and said that since I wasn’t getting any sleep, my body was breaking down. Ah, lovely.

At some point during this week, I got the genius idea to eat away my anxiety and discomfort. Right. Because that always works. Needless to say, it just made me feel full and gross on top of that other stuff.

Random updates:

I had a little scare a couple of weeks ago. I went to see the midwife because I was feeling pressure and cramping in my abdomen. In the three minutes that the midwife was examining me, she said I’d had two contractions. I didn’t feel either of these contractions. I was like, “Wait, you mean I can have contractions and not even know it?!” Apparently, I can. She sent me to the hospital for monitoring just to be on the safe side. Five hours later it was determined that I was not in premature labor (phew!) and that baby and I were fine. On the upside, I got to listen to the little fish’s heartbeat for five hours. That was pretty cool.

In other news, I passed my glucose screening…just barely. The cutoff at my doctors office is 140 and I got a 138. The midwife just said to watch my sugar intake. I of course went online to doctor Google after the visit and saw that the cutoff at some doctors offices is 130, which made me nervous that my midwife wasn’t being cautious enough and I actually have gestational diabetes and my baby will be born a 20 pound mutant with laser eyes. Anyway, I digress.

How I look:

How Baby looks:

So I said I would never get a 3D ultrasound. I thought they were creepy and expensive and I just didn’t get why anyone would want alien-esque pictures of a baby squished in a uterus. Well, guess what? This can be number one on what I’m sure will be a long list of stuff I say I’ll never do as a parent and then proceed to do. Because yesterday Tim and I got a 3D ultrasound and it was awesome! Turns out when it’s your kid, it’s not that creepy. Still kind of alien, don’t get me wrong, but in a cute way. What changed my mind? I wanted to see my baby again…now. Pure, simple impatience.

I also said, emphatically, (number two on the list!) that I would never post pictures of the inside of my uterus in a public place. But since this blog is about babymaking and most people reading it are family or friends (or are at least interested in babymaking), I’m going to revise my stance and post pictures from the 3D ultrasound here.

So if seeing pictures of the inside of my ute makes you squeamish, halt!

Consider yourself warned.

Because here they come…

Look at the little smile!

Happy Mother’s Day

Card from Baby Girl.

Well, lookee here, my first official Mother’s Day!

Even though Tim can’t be here with me to celebrate, it’s been a good day. I got a card from my friend Danielle, a card from Tim and a card from the Little Fish. I’m sure she picked that one out all by herself. Several people in the coffee shop this morning wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and I even got an MD shout out from a little girl on a scooter. That was the cutest.

How am I feeling today? Pretty sappy. And grateful. So, so grateful that on this Mother’s Day I am carrying a life inside of me. It’s pretty surreal to think that next year my daughter will be around 10 months old. She’ll probably be crawling all over the place. She’ll have her own distinct personality. I will know her face, her smell and the sound of her voice by heart.

I am also a little sad because my own mom is thousands of miles away from me. To boot, she was not feeling well enough to attend Mother’s Day brunch this morning. But I am also grateful. Grateful that we got to talk on the phone. Grateful that she is here. And grateful that I have a mom who loves me so much.

I’d like to take a moment now to wish a happy day to all the moms, moms-to-be, and moms who are still waiting for their little miracle to be conceived.

A world of love to you all.

27 Weeks

Gettin’ up there! I think next week will be the official start of my third trimester? It’s a little unclear when it starts. Previously pregnant ladies, can you confirm? Does the third trimester start at week 28?

How I’m feeling:

Still ridiculously tired. I actually took a nap today, which is unheard of for me. I’ve basically decided that I’m going to do nothing that involves leaving the house on Sundays for the rest of my pregnancy, with the exception of my prenatal yoga class. Having the day to rest and recharge is vital. Obviously, this won’t work out every Sunday, but I’m going to make it a priority.

Round ligament pain is back! The midwife said I’m in prime growing time, so all of my ligaments are stretched to the max. Now that I know what it is and what to expect, I’m not really freaked out about it like I was when it happened early on. Unfortunately, walking (and sometimes yoga) triggers it, which makes exercising difficult.

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been reading a book on breastfeeding and that’s forcing me to think about the future in a positive way. Instead of obsessing about what might go wrong in the pregnancy, I’m looking forward to taking care of my healthy baby when she gets here.

How I look:

Oh man. During the second trimester I’ve been gaining about 2 pounds a week. This is double the average amount. Double! So far I’ve gained 22 pounds. Some women only gain 25 pounds their entire pregnancy and I still have 13 weeks left to go. Obviously, I’m going to skyrocket over that figure. I was lamenting about my weight gain to the midwife at my last appointment and she didn’t seem concerned. She said it usually tapers off at some point. Let’s hope, otherwise I’m looking at gaining upwards of 50 mother-effing pounds.

I mean, I shouldn’t really be surprised. I was so careful about everything I put in my mouth before I got pregnant. Even when I was trying to add more fat to my diet, I shifted everything else I ate around to try and avoid gaining any weight.

And now? Well, now I’m not counting calories at all. So I don’t know what I expected. You can’t go from being a total psycho about what you eat to not really caring, and not expect to gain more weight than the average pregnant lady who has been eating consistently all along.

Am I making sure I get my vegetables and proteins and grains every day? Yup. But did I eat a chicken cheesesteak on Friday and ice cream on Saturday? Why, yes, yes I did.

Basically, I just wish I could own my weight gain. I’m not really ready to stop eating the occassional cheeseteak and ice cream cone, so if I’m not going to change anything, feeling bad about it is doing me no good. And it’s like, who the hell cares? Why am I even focusing on this? It’s such a dumb, self-centered thing to get all hot and bothered about. As long as the baby is healthy, I should be content as a clam, right? But old issues die hard, I guess.

Ok, whew. Rant over. Anyway, here’s the latest belly shot, with special cameo appearances by Gretel and Beaker. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, everyone!

Letter to My Little Lady: Let Me Break It Down

Dear Little Fish,

There are two things I want you to know. Right now you are all warm and safe, but after you arrive there may be times when life isn’t as awesome as you’d like it to be. So if you’re ever scared or sad or lonely, please remember this:

1. You were wanted, long before you were ever born.

2. You are loved beyond measure.

Throughout your life you will grow and change in ways I can’t even imagine. But these two truths will never change.

They are forever.