Extensive Endometriosis

Hi everyone, this is Tim. Tanya wanted me to let you know that she finally had her surgery yesterday, and to give you an update.

The doctor found endometriosis on her cervix, bladder, back side of uterus, and right ovary. He classified it as stage 3. Everything was removed, except for the endo on the right ovary – he didn’t want to risk damaging it. He said endometriosis isn’t usually seen on the cervix, so he sent that off to pathology.

Tanya is fine, but recovery is rougher than we anticipated. There’s lots of pain from the gas injected into her abdomen, plus abdominal pain from the surgery and some nausea. She’ll post more once she’s feeling better.

Thanks so much for all your support!

Surgery Postponed (Ah-Gain)

Thanks for all of your comments and support on my last post! I will respond to each and every one of them soon, but I just wanted to update you quickly and let you know that surgery tomorrow is a no-go. I have a legit cold now (damn you, Lettie!), and my surgeon thought postponement would be best. He said if I’m not 100%, why take the extra risk, even if it’s minimal? I can’t really argue with that, but UGH.

Tim talked to the surgery scheduler earlier this week and she said she was holding a slot for me next week just in case (which is really awesome of her). I just need to get confirmation that I’m officially in. If it doesn’t happen next week, it’ll have wait until mid July because Dr. V is going on vacation for, like, ever. Fingers crossed! I think mid July might make my brain explode.

Oof, oh well. Third time’s going to be the charm, right?

RIGHT?!

Anxiety At Large

I haven’t updated you guys about surgery scheduling or anything else recently because I’ve been battling the anxiety monster. Like, we are in a full-on boxing match over here. And I’m losing. I’ve never kept it secret that I struggle with anxiety. I see a therapist, I visualize, I go to acupuncture weekly, I do yoga (when I’m not being a sloth). All of those things help. They keep it under wraps most of the time. But sometimes, man. Sometimes it’s rough.

Right now is one of those times.

Having to leave the hospital sans surgery two weeks ago really freaked me out more than I realized. It’s been looming over me, and the thoughts are spiraling: Will I get through it? Will something terrible befall me? Will it ever happen? Will it keep getting rescheduled until the end of time? Does that hospital have bad juju?

I was able to get the surgery rescheduled for this Thursday. This was a week earlier than what I had originally thought, so I was happy. Right around when I found that out, I started getting post-nasal drip, which is usually the tell-tale sign of a cold for me. Eff, I thought. Are you kidding me? Doctors really don’t like to do surgeries when patients have a cold. They like the immune system to be tip-top, and they want the airways to be completely open. This makes sense, obviously. So then it became a waiting game of will-I-get-sick-and-have to-reschedule-my surgery. And the anxiety just went downhill from there.

I went to the doctor yesterday because I having some chest tightness and achiness. I figured it was just from the post-nasal drip, but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something more sinister, especially since I have asthma. The doctor listened to my lungs and said they sounded completely clear, but I seemed to be taking longer to exhale than normal, so he figured I was having a minor asthma flare up. He thought this, and the post-nasal drip (that’s such a gross term, by the way. Sorry for repeating it 65 times in one post), were caused by allergies. He said I had no swollen lymph nodes or anything else to indicate that I was sick. Lettie has a cold right now, so I am skeptical of this, but I really am not having any other cold symptoms. He put me on a “burst” of steroids to help with the asthma. He said I should be good to go for the surgery as long as my lungs still sounded clear on Thursday. He sounded really confident about this. So I felt better. For like 2.5 seconds. The steroids seemed to be working. I still had major PND (Does that sound less icky? Maybe a little.), but my chest weirdness was gone.

But anxiety, it doesn’t give a sh*t what doctors think.

I texted Dr. V. (my surgeon) after my appointment to see if the steroids were fine to take before surgery. He said they were. I then talked to him today. He asked me about my symptoms. I told him the tightness in my chest was gone, but I still had my friend PND. He said if I have any trouble breathing we should reschedule. I assured him I didn’t have any trouble, and he agreed that I sounded fine. He told me to call him tomorrow to check in.

After that phone conversation I worked myself into a panic attack. I somehow managed to get my work done, but I was freaking out all afternoon. I called Tim and could barely keep it together. He was all, “What? That convo with Dr. V sounded fine. It sounded like things are pretty much a go. It also sounds like he cares about you, which is a good thing.” All true, but I was out of control at this point.

All afternoon I felt burning hot. I was sure I had a fever. But when I finally got home and took my temp it was 97.6 degrees. No fever in sight. Then I could feel my chest aching again. Was this from the post nasal drip? Or from the anxiety? My guess is anxiety, but what if it wasn’t?

And so on and so forth.

Logically, post nasal drip is not a reason to reschedule surgery. I know this. And even if it does get rescheduled, so? It’s not the end of the world. I mean, I’d really prefer to not have this procedure looming over me anymore, since it triggered the worst case of anxiety I’ve had in years. Still, it’s not a reason to freak the eff out.

But anxiety doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t listen to reason. It doesn’t care.

It’s mean. It’s a monster. And some days it wins.

Sometimes Waiting Makes Me Want To Punch A Wall

Ok, fiiiiiine. I’ll wait then. Whatever. [image]

You think I’d be good at waiting by now. Like, I should have my masters degree in waiting. Eff that, I should have my full-on doctorate. Right? Nope, I suck at it. Admittedly, I think I am getting overall a little more patient. These last two years have taught me that I have control over nothing. But the waiting curveballs still get me. I can deal with the expected waits, but I’m no good with the sneaky ones.

When I was talking to the doctor yesterday, he said we could reschedule my surgery for next week. His exact words were, “I can do it any day you want. I can even do it on a weekend if you want.” He told me he’d call me tomorrow.

He didn’t call, but someone from scheduling emailed me and was like, “The next available appointment I have is June 25th.”

So I immediately called her and said, “Dr. Vidali told me he could get me in next week.”

And she was like, “Oh, he did? Ok, let me call him. I’ll call you back today after I work everything out.”

I didn’t hear from her. Tim called her at the end of the day to check in. He left a message. She never called back.

So who knows. Maybe next week will still work out. But we need to make childcare arrangements and hotel arrangements and work arrangements, so we kind of need to know soon.

And even if we have to wait three more weeks, it’s not like it’s the end of the world. It’s three weeks, not three years — or even three months. I need to chill. But I thought I was having surgery yesterday. And then I thought I was having it next week. And now, who knows. Not to mention part of me is wondering why I’m even rescheduling this at all after the whole disappearing power act yesterday. That sh*t was freaky. But I digress.

I still need to update you guys on the appointment I had with Dr. Vidali on Wednesday. Dr. Vidali is the surgeon who works with Dr. Braverman. He’s also a reproductive endocrinologist. Oh, and in addition to those things, he’s very charming. We had a great visit with him. I’ll post about that soon.

But for now I just want to say &@#^#*&$*&, and give a big middle finger to the waiting that surrounds every single step of this babymaking process.

Every.

Single.

Step.

Well, So That Wasn’t Meant To Happen Today

I just left the hospital. Without having my laparoscopy. During the procedure before mine, the lights shorted in the OR. They have backup generators and everyone was fine, but my procedure was cancelled until they can figure out the cause. The surgeon was visibly freaked out as he told us this. I can’t imagine performing a surgery and having that happen in the middle of it. I’m exhausted and bummed that we spent an extra several hundred that we don’t have on a hotel that we didn’t really need, but it is what it is. Safety first, obviously! The doctor said he’ll call me tomorrow to reschedule. So we’ll see. Freaky.