Letter to My Little Lady: Your Dad Is Awesome

Dear Little Fish,

Every time your dad sees a baby his whole face lights up. Usually he starts laughing, too, like he can’t contain his joy at seeing a mini-person. When we first started dating, we were at this party together and I commented, in a mildly snotty tone, that there were “so many babies here.” Your dad looked me in the eye and said, “If you don’t like babies, we need to break up right now!” Well, ok then.

Your dad is very even-tempered. In the years that I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him yell. Not even once! Sometimes it’s hard to tell when he’s excited because he certainly does not wear his emotions on his sleeve. But whatever you do, don’t misinterpret his lack of outward emotion as a lack of enthusiasm for you. He’s over the moon about you and always will be. When in doubt, look for the twinkle in his eyes. It gives him away every time.

I love your dad so much it’s kind of ridiculous. I wonder all the time how I got lucky enough to snag him. And now I wonder the same thing about you. I’m not sure how I got so blessed, but let me tell you, I appreciate it.

Every single day.

Your dad and me about four years ago, way back when he had facial hair. I wish I still had those sweet shades.

29 Weeks & Alien Baby Pictures

How I’m Feeling:

I have to be honest, guys: this was not my finest week. The insomnia raged all week long and I barely slept at all. Plus, I think after seven straight months of insomnia, it’s finally starting to catch up with me. I can barely keep my eyes open past 1 p.m. and I’ve been crying a lot because it’s getting very hard to do normal tasks on no sleep. Pretty much, I’m really fun to be around. Just ask Tim.

If one more person says “just wait ’til the baby gets here” or “this is preparing you for the baby,” I’m busting out the drop kicks. Although people are well-meaning, I hate when they say crap like that because it invalidates what I’m feeling right now. If someone told me they have a stomachache, I would never say, “just wait for three more months until you’ll have an even worse stomach ache! Then you’ll see, mwahahaha!”

That said, if this insomnia prepares me for the baby, bring it on! Somehow I doubt that it will, though. I’m sure I’ll be just as tired and crazed as the rest of the new moms out there.

Other symptoms: Braxton Hicks contractions, carpal tunnel, round ligament pain, back pain and a general feeling of swolleness.  So yeah. Whine, wine, whine. When I went to acupuncture yesterday, I told her that I felt like an old lady, listing off all of my many complaints. She just smiled and said that since I wasn’t getting any sleep, my body was breaking down. Ah, lovely.

At some point during this week, I got the genius idea to eat away my anxiety and discomfort. Right. Because that always works. Needless to say, it just made me feel full and gross on top of that other stuff.

Random updates:

I had a little scare a couple of weeks ago. I went to see the midwife because I was feeling pressure and cramping in my abdomen. In the three minutes that the midwife was examining me, she said I’d had two contractions. I didn’t feel either of these contractions. I was like, “Wait, you mean I can have contractions and not even know it?!” Apparently, I can. She sent me to the hospital for monitoring just to be on the safe side. Five hours later it was determined that I was not in premature labor (phew!) and that baby and I were fine. On the upside, I got to listen to the little fish’s heartbeat for five hours. That was pretty cool.

In other news, I passed my glucose screening…just barely. The cutoff at my doctors office is 140 and I got a 138. The midwife just said to watch my sugar intake. I of course went online to doctor Google after the visit and saw that the cutoff at some doctors offices is 130, which made me nervous that my midwife wasn’t being cautious enough and I actually have gestational diabetes and my baby will be born a 20 pound mutant with laser eyes. Anyway, I digress.

How I look:

How Baby looks:

So I said I would never get a 3D ultrasound. I thought they were creepy and expensive and I just didn’t get why anyone would want alien-esque pictures of a baby squished in a uterus. Well, guess what? This can be number one on what I’m sure will be a long list of stuff I say I’ll never do as a parent and then proceed to do. Because yesterday Tim and I got a 3D ultrasound and it was awesome! Turns out when it’s your kid, it’s not that creepy. Still kind of alien, don’t get me wrong, but in a cute way. What changed my mind? I wanted to see my baby again…now. Pure, simple impatience.

I also said, emphatically, (number two on the list!) that I would never post pictures of the inside of my uterus in a public place. But since this blog is about babymaking and most people reading it are family or friends (or are at least interested in babymaking), I’m going to revise my stance and post pictures from the 3D ultrasound here.

So if seeing pictures of the inside of my ute makes you squeamish, halt!

Consider yourself warned.

Because here they come…

Look at the little smile!

Happy Mother’s Day

Card from Baby Girl.

Well, lookee here, my first official Mother’s Day!

Even though Tim can’t be here with me to celebrate, it’s been a good day. I got a card from my friend Danielle, a card from Tim and a card from the Little Fish. I’m sure she picked that one out all by herself. Several people in the coffee shop this morning wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and I even got an MD shout out from a little girl on a scooter. That was the cutest.

How am I feeling today? Pretty sappy. And grateful. So, so grateful that on this Mother’s Day I am carrying a life inside of me. It’s pretty surreal to think that next year my daughter will be around 10 months old. She’ll probably be crawling all over the place. She’ll have her own distinct personality. I will know her face, her smell and the sound of her voice by heart.

I am also a little sad because my own mom is thousands of miles away from me. To boot, she was not feeling well enough to attend Mother’s Day brunch this morning. But I am also grateful. Grateful that we got to talk on the phone. Grateful that she is here. And grateful that I have a mom who loves me so much.

I’d like to take a moment now to wish a happy day to all the moms, moms-to-be, and moms who are still waiting for their little miracle to be conceived.

A world of love to you all.

27 Weeks

Gettin’ up there! I think next week will be the official start of my third trimester? It’s a little unclear when it starts. Previously pregnant ladies, can you confirm? Does the third trimester start at week 28?

How I’m feeling:

Still ridiculously tired. I actually took a nap today, which is unheard of for me. I’ve basically decided that I’m going to do nothing that involves leaving the house on Sundays for the rest of my pregnancy, with the exception of my prenatal yoga class. Having the day to rest and recharge is vital. Obviously, this won’t work out every Sunday, but I’m going to make it a priority.

Round ligament pain is back! The midwife said I’m in prime growing time, so all of my ligaments are stretched to the max. Now that I know what it is and what to expect, I’m not really freaked out about it like I was when it happened early on. Unfortunately, walking (and sometimes yoga) triggers it, which makes exercising difficult.

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been reading a book on breastfeeding and that’s forcing me to think about the future in a positive way. Instead of obsessing about what might go wrong in the pregnancy, I’m looking forward to taking care of my healthy baby when she gets here.

How I look:

Oh man. During the second trimester I’ve been gaining about 2 pounds a week. This is double the average amount. Double! So far I’ve gained 22 pounds. Some women only gain 25 pounds their entire pregnancy and I still have 13 weeks left to go. Obviously, I’m going to skyrocket over that figure. I was lamenting about my weight gain to the midwife at my last appointment and she didn’t seem concerned. She said it usually tapers off at some point. Let’s hope, otherwise I’m looking at gaining upwards of 50 mother-effing pounds.

I mean, I shouldn’t really be surprised. I was so careful about everything I put in my mouth before I got pregnant. Even when I was trying to add more fat to my diet, I shifted everything else I ate around to try and avoid gaining any weight.

And now? Well, now I’m not counting calories at all. So I don’t know what I expected. You can’t go from being a total psycho about what you eat to not really caring, and not expect to gain more weight than the average pregnant lady who has been eating consistently all along.

Am I making sure I get my vegetables and proteins and grains every day? Yup. But did I eat a chicken cheesesteak on Friday and ice cream on Saturday? Why, yes, yes I did.

Basically, I just wish I could own my weight gain. I’m not really ready to stop eating the occassional cheeseteak and ice cream cone, so if I’m not going to change anything, feeling bad about it is doing me no good. And it’s like, who the hell cares? Why am I even focusing on this? It’s such a dumb, self-centered thing to get all hot and bothered about. As long as the baby is healthy, I should be content as a clam, right? But old issues die hard, I guess.

Ok, whew. Rant over. Anyway, here’s the latest belly shot, with special cameo appearances by Gretel and Beaker. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, everyone!

Letter to My Little Lady: Let Me Break It Down

Dear Little Fish,

There are two things I want you to know. Right now you are all warm and safe, but after you arrive there may be times when life isn’t as awesome as you’d like it to be. So if you’re ever scared or sad or lonely, please remember this:

1. You were wanted, long before you were ever born.

2. You are loved beyond measure.

Throughout your life you will grow and change in ways I can’t even imagine. But these two truths will never change.

They are forever.

25 Weeks

Hello, 25! What a nice, solid number. I like the way it looks.

How I’m Feeling:

Excuse me, what? Did you say something? Sorry, I missed it because I am so overwhelmingly absentminded. Yes, Pregnancy Brain is in full force. This is quite a challenge because the non-pregnant me is also absentminded. So now it’s like I’m scatterbrained to the umpteenth power.

Oh and I’m dropping everything. Everything. The other night I dropped the ketchup bottle right into a big plate of hamburger fixings. Tim thought it was hilarious, but I was kind of freaked out. According to What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the “dropsies” are a totally normal pregnancy symptom. Of course, the non-pregnant me is also quite clumsy. So, again, I’m screwed.

I’m also verrrrry sleepy. And I don’t much feel like moving. If I could sit on my couch and watch never-ending episodes of the ABC family drama Switched At Birth, I’d be golden. Alas, I have to go to work and stuff. Damn.

The highlight of my week was when our friends Drew and Susie brought over boxes and boxes of baby clothes.

You can’t really get a good sense from this picture, but there is a boatload of stuff—tights, onesies, shoes, dresses, you name it—all the way up to 18 months. Our little lady is set! Drew and Susie have two little girls and now they’re pregnant again, but they’re having a boy this time. So I get all of their girl stuff! (Fun fact: Susie is the person who made me the Hope Street signs back in September.)

I started going through the clothes after they left last night and I had to stop myself because I could have kept at it until dawn. Let me tell you, looking at those things made me so happy. I got particularly sappy over a plain, pale-pink onesie that was embroidered, very subtly, with the words, “I love my daddy.” Just imagining my little fish wearing that and Tim holding her was too much for my hormone-addled brain to handle.

How I look:

Here I am at 25 weeks with Susie, who is due about a month before me. I’m excited for our babies to be best buds.

Dose of Friday Hope…

I love this poem by Emily Dickinson. It popped into my head today and made me smile, so I thought I would share it with you all. Happy Friday!

(image credit)

Goodnight, Wake Up Yoga West

The studio where I practiced yoga for the very first time, Wake Up Yoga West, closed its doors last night. Fortunately for me, there are two more Wake Ups in this city, one of which is a stone’s throw from my new house. And while I look forward to practicing in those other locations, I will always have a soft spot for the West studio.

The owner of the studio gave one final class, which both Tim and I attended. I knew my pregnant body wouldn’t be able to do a lot of the poses, but nothing would have stopped me from making that class—I was determined to honor this space that shaped my life over the past three years. And determined to honor myself, and all that I’ve become in that time.

The class was emotional. The instructor cried, and if I were more comfortable with my own emotions, I probably would’ve cried, too. You’re likely wondering why the closing of a yoga studio has impacted me so much, so I’ll try to explain. I see two reasons.

One, I’d come to see Wake Up as a safe place, a shelter from the rest of the world. I knew that no matter what was going on in my life, I’d be guaranteed an hour-and-a-half of solace once I stepped inside. The studio helped me through wedding stress, struggles with infertility, the death of Tim’s childhood friend, the reemergence of my mom’s cancer, and the joys and fears of a new pregnancy. In short, we’ve been through a lot together. I would go to class, sweat out all of my bad energy, and leave with a feeling of calm. The studio began to feel like a trusted confidant, one who listened and soothed without asking for anything in return. How often in life do you find that? Almost never, I say.

Two, the instructor talked throughout the class about the cycle of life and how everything has a beginning and an end. This is something that’s been on my mind a lot these days, with the impending birth of my baby girl and my mom’s illness. The instructor stressed several times how it’s important to find joy and peace in the endings, not only because they are part of life’s natural cycle, but because in every ending there is a beginning.

And there it is. The very thing I’ve been struggling with lately: finding peace. I’m having a hard time reveling in all of the joys of now and not worrying about what might be around the corner.

So I’m going to take a moment to do that. Because the truth is, I couldn’t ask for more than what I have right this second—I’m pregnant with a healthy baby girl, my mom is still here with me and I’m married to my favorite person on the planet. Those are just the big three. There are countless other things to be thankful for. And yes, any of that could change tomorrow. But it’s not tomorrow. It’s today. It’s right now.

I’m hoping that you, awesome readers, will also take a tiny moment out of your day today to tally up the things you’re thankful for and to rejoice in what is right now. Because even though everyone says it all the time, and it’s the most obvious thing ever, it’s the thing I forget most often: all we have is the present.

So thank you, Wake Up Yoga West, for everything. I bid you a sweet adieu.

Namaste.

Posing with Victoria, the instructor who taught my beginning yoga classes at Wake Up West.

24 Weeks

24 weeks! Only four months left to go—less if you’re going by calendar months and not pregnancy months. Pretty crazy.

I have plenty of things I want to talk about on here, other than weekly pregnancy updates, but these weekly posts seem to be all I have time or mental energy for. So many thoughts are racing through my head right now, though—about family and impending parenthood and a billion other things—so I’ll have to try and sit down sometime and get a few of them on “paper” soon.

Until then…

How I’m feeling: Physically pretty good, but I’m really, really tired.  My round ligament pain hasn’t shown its face in a while, so last week I made it to three yoga classes—two regular, low-intensity and one prenatal! It felt incredible. I didn’t realize just how much I missed it until I went back.

The only other new symptom is Extreme Fullness. Like I’m carrying around a cement block and a baby in my stomach.

Mentally, I’m not feeling so hot. I’ve been pretty low these last few days, but there’s a lot going on other than the pregnancy—job drama, family illness, settling into new house etc.—so I don’t think hormones are totally to blame for that. The no-sleep trend continues, which I’m sure does not help matters.

The joy of my week has been feeling Baby move around like crazy. It seems like every day I notice her presence more and more. She feels like a little fish flopping around in there. Sometimes she moves so hard that it’s startling, and it always makes me giggle.

How I look:

Note the caricature of my parents in their twenties behind me. You can't really see it because of the glare, but my dad had a killer 'stache.

23 Weeks: She Moves!

Only 17 weeks ’til I meet my little lady. Hurray!

Tim’s school was on spring break this week, so I took off as well to join him for a staycation. The week was anything but relaxing. It involved cleaning the old house (which is now ready for renters), unpacking the new house (which is still not done, holy crap) and checking out daycares (I think we found one). But still. It was way better than being at work, and I am grateful to have this time to get the new house set up before Baby arrives. Today, at last, we are going to spend the day relaxing, starting with omelets and continuing with a 24: Season 4 marathon. Boring? Perhaps. But whatever. Boring is my middle name these days.

How I’m feeling: Pretty damn good! I’m still really tired and don’t get much restful sleep, but otherwise I’m mostly symptom free. I bought a body pillow and that really seems to help with the back pain. I also found a prenatal yoga class that doesn’t trigger round ligament pain and helps with the back. Score for me.

Mentally, I’m doing better. Even though this week wasn’t luxuriously relaxing, I think having a few days away from real life helped calm me down. Also, I had an appointment with the new midwifery and that went well. Both Tim and I liked the vibe there a lot. The midwife I saw was nice enough, but I wasn’t overwhelmingly in love with her or anything. I will see a different midwife each time, though, so I’m not stuck with this one. I heard Baby’s heartbeat again, which always helps relax me a little bit. The midwife said her heart “couldn’t sound healthier.” Go, Baby, go!

Movement: This brings me to the most exciting development of the last week—I finally felt her move! For real. I was convinced that what I was feeling was gas or my own mental delusions, but Tim put his hand on my stomach, felt it and was like, “You’re crazy! That’s exactly what I would imagine a baby kick to feel like!” It’s still very subtle and not at all consistent, but it’s awesome to feel. And not to mention wildly reassuring.

How I look: I’m starting to look like a legit pregnant lady. I had my first experience the other day where someone who didn’t know me asked if I was expecting. Exciting! I’m also getting larger all over. In the three weeks between doctor’s appointments I gained six pounds. Six! I suspect at least some of that has to do with all the take out we’ve been eating lately. But yeah, in addition to my belly, my thighs and arms are expanding rapidly. And it’s weird. But I digress—I could, and probably will, devote an entire post to the subject of pregnancy weight gain. Anyway, here’s another belly picture. Have a great Easter Sunday, everyone!